Back to ME

Sometimes the most interesting journey is the one that leads you back to you and the dreams you forgot you had. #liveyourdream

For most of my twenties, I was free as a bird, studying what I love (literature), changing jobs, relocating to different continents, resisting getting tied down by jobs, relationships or any form of long lasting commitments. I needed to explore myself and the world before settling down. That’s what your twenties are for right?

At 28 I was yet again studying what I love (getting my MA in literature) living in another new place, and all of a sudden I felt like that was it. I wanted to center myself in one place, I was ready for the next stage, which is exactly when I met my guy. I knew that was it, he was home. Eleven months later we were married, two years later we were on our way to becoming parents to twin boys, another Two years passed and we had our girl. During those five years, I jumped head first into family life, me who never cooked anything more than pasta, got creative with baking and cooking. When the twins turned 6 months I realized that I didn’t want to miss any part of their day, so I gave up my job and became a full time mom until they turned two, when they started going to day care, just in time for their sister's arrival who also spent two years at home with me.

I loved and still love being a hands on mom. But while I fell inlove with motherhood, I drifted away from other things I loved my whole life. I barely found time to read, my kindle was stored away in my night stand barley seeing the light of day. The only things I wrote were "to do" lists, and the music (another source of joy for me) I listened to switched from Kings of Leon to the Hokey Pokey. As the kids entered preschool I found myself constantly loading them into and out of the car driving them around to school, to friends, to classes, and so on. My day had no time that was all mine, other than the two hours after they went to sleep and I would fall asleep on the couch watching Grey's anatomy or trying to have a conversation with my hubby. Life was GOOD don’t get me wrong, so good! but I was different, like parts of me were dormant.

By the time the twins started first grade, we moved to a small community, were we could walk everywhere and the kids became more independent and spent more hours outside. Suddenly I had room in my head for other things, suddenly I had a little spare time but I couldn’t remember what I loved doing with it. I was nearly 39, and I had to rediscover who I was other a wife and mother. It was a slow process. A friend asked me when I shared my struggle with her, what my inner secret wish was, what was my dream, and I had no ready answer for her. I was so confused. For a long while, I couldn't clean out the white noise enough to find the answer to that question.

The one thing I kept going back to was writing, texts, words. I was so tuned into my practical mode, I spent months telling myself I can write but in a "practical" way, translating, editing, taking a content writing class etc.

I did all that but still couldn’t find that "Zone", where you feel quiet and fulfilled professionally and personally. When my fortieth birthday was a few months away I stopped running away from my dream and admitted to myself that I wanted to write, what I want to, just because I love to, because all those voices in my head were stories wanting to be told or thoughts that needed to be shared. So late at night each night I started to write, just to see if I still could, I challenged myself to complete a full novel by my birthday, then I started accumulating posts I shared with my friends on Facebook and turned them into a blog. I had the first full version of my romance novel completed a week before I turned forty. It took me a few more months to edit it over and over until I was happy with it, it took longer for me to actually build my blog. But here I am, five month later finally realizing my dream. My first romance novel is up on amazon, by blog is live in the air.

There is music playing at my house again all day long. My five year old sings Adele instead of hokey pokey, and I caught up on my reading, going through books at a pace I forgot I was capable of. I'm older, I'm a little wiser, and I am definitely ME again, ALL of me. And forty year old me? Is someone I enjoy knowing:)

Do you know what your inner secret wish is? And where are you on your path to fulfilling it? Would love to hear from you.

And as usual I will sign off words the words of Jane Austen:

"I could not sit down to write a serious romance under any other motive than to save my life."